Sleep Deprived and Out for Bear

I have suffered from Insomnia (and yes, it gets a capital “I”) off and on for 20 years.

I have tried over-the-counter and under-the-counter and the side-of-the-counter solutions. I have even considered sleeping on the counter. I have tried meditation, self-hypnosis, music, white noise, rhythmic breathing and yoga. I wear a sleep mask, a bite guard and nasal strips and I burn out the motor on at least one box fan a year. All of these things are helpful, but they don’t give me the real deal. And, frankly, the effort is tiring – no pun intended.

I get ready for bed like some folks suit up for the big game, but despite my devotion I never get off the bench.  I’m greedy.  I want it to be EASY. I want it all and I want it now. Since I can’t have my own bedside anesthesiologist, I wish to be normal – to fall asleep and stay asleep without trying. My husband makes it look so easy – he can drift off sitting upright in a chair. He falls asleep on airplanes. He falls asleep while we are talking in bed. He’s a real showoff, this guy.

And my dog, don’t even get me started!

The casualties of my poor sleeping are many, but boundless rage is the biggie. I am out for bear after my restless pursuits. And, God help anyone who wakes me. I feel this offense should be a felony. You see, once I do get to sleep I’m only half in – my body never makes a full commitment. I wake up exactly the way most people fall asleep – it’s nearly effortless.  The phrase “sleeping with one-eye open” was surely coined by an insomniac. When I am rousted I come out swinging. You folks who sleep with the ease of a newborn babe don’t get it, but waking an insomniac is akin to murder. As in, you have murdered any chance we have of getting back to sleep. People who wake insomniacs are probably the same folks who smash pumpkins and topple snowmen –  A-holes with a capital A.

This morning – right around 3:30 A-FLIPPING-M, someone called our house, the phone rang only once and they hung up.  I got up and made coffee. I’m a total quitter – once up, up for the day – that’s my motto.

And since I was up, I turned my weary rage to revenge. I wanted to know who in the HADES  called me damn it.  Thank my lucky star-69, I found out! I jotted it down on my hand since it was too early to find paper and sat down to consider it. Now, If this had been a number I recognized, I could perhaps, let it go. But not even the area code was familiar. So, I looked it up on the computer- 206 is the state of Washington which is three hours behind this time zone. I have never known a soul in Washington.

So, while I am pretty sure it was a wrong number, I feel confident the dialer was filled with malice – an evil, nefarious person of questionable character who should be punished severely. Most folks know that calling anyone, misdialed or not, after midnight is indecent, but there is a certain etiquette when calling someone on the opposite coast called THE TIME CHANGE. A moot point however, since it was 12:30 in Washington and 3 a.m. here – an” indecent hour” on both coasts!  Indecent hour is probably another phrase coined by an insomniac, by the way.

So perhaps, if I’m not doing anything important around 3 a.m. tomorrow, I will return the favor for some unsuspecting, sadistic sleep waker in Washington state  . . . stay tuned . . .


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